Why so many lies? Why do I still have this feeling inside?

Why so many hurt feelings and broken hearts?

Why all the memories of you don't fade away?

Why does this pain still feels so real?

Maybe one day..you'll bring me back to life...

Mean while .... I'll try to wait for you...

I woke up today with a hangover, but not the kind of hangover where you just want to go and eat grease food and drink a beer or just get a pain killer 'cause you have such a bad headache is driving you insane, but a thing that you can actually call "moral hangover". How do I explain this??? Doing one the things that I haven't done in my whole life, was like loosing a part of me, and I feel like I became a part of the crowd, is like loosing your soul's virginity and as stupid as it may sound that's the way it is.

There're so many different persons inside of me, is like I display a different mode of my personality depending on the situation and I hate that, to a point that I can't even explain, is the nice daughter that will do everything for her mom, the understanding sister that regardless of how bad her sister behaves she'll always be there for her, is the perfect friend that never says no, is the wonderfull long distance lover that misses you everyday and every second of her life, is the perfect girlfriend that all guys will want, the one that never says don't do that, the one that doesn't get offended if you look a different girl, the one that will call out to work just to be with you , the one that says what you need to hear, and I came to a point that I don't know who I am , who I'm not and who I want to be.

I've become just a person that every once in a while will give her whole life just to be away from everything and everybody and start all over again, without looking at the past and regreting things she did or she didn't do, I've become that person waiting for a miracle not doing anything for it to happen, I've become the lonely person waiting for your healing powers to kick in and stop this pain, I've become that person just living out of precious ilusions that will never happen, living of memories of what I don't have and false expectations of people...waiting for a change, waiting for the courage to actually make that change happen, waiting to see important persons and tell them how much I love them without being afraid, waiting for this fear to go away and actually be able to tell people I love how mistaken they are, how they can stop been depresed if they only see how wonderful life is,and waiting for the wisdom to accept the answer to my problems that I know for a fact that I already have it and I'm just to scared to use it....

So everything come back to a question...Where are you my blue angel when I need light on my road? Where are you my blue angel when I need you to stop my tears from falling? Where are you my blue angel when I just need to hear you love me? Where are you my blue angel when all I need to keep going is your forever lasting hugs and your beautiful smile? where is your smell going? Where is you heart 'cause I feel like mine is coming apart...  

I can’t sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything’s alright
Still I can’t close my eyes
I’m seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights
Sunny days
Where have you gone
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen
Why does it always rain on me
Even when the sun is shining
I can’t avoid the lightning
I can’t stand myself
I’m being held up by invisible men
Still life on a shelf when
I got my mind on something else
Sunny days
Where have you gone
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen
Why does it always rain on me
Even when the sun is shining
I can’t avoid the lightning
Oh where did the blue skies go
And why is it raining so
It’s so cold
I can’t sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything’s alright
Still I can’t close my eyes
I’m seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights
Sunny days
Where have you gone
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen
Why does it always rain on me
Even when the sun is shining
I can’t avoid the lightning
Oh where did the blue skies go
And why is it raining so
It’s so cold
Why does it always rain on me
Why does it always rain

Today was a day to remember... a day to write about... a very important day in history...and you know why?

Because a very important person in my life that ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS have a good answer for everything didn't have one for something I said... and it was just another Master Card comercial for my head...lol

Leaving work a few hours before: $50.00

Gas to get to the apartment: $5.00

Starbucks coffee: $3.50

Cigarrtes: $5.00

Look on his face when he didn't know what to say: PRICELESS...

It really was...I had an awesome time today... risking more things everyday and I think for the first time in a long time enjoying life... =)

I found out today Leo's baby is going to be born on my birthday...How crazy is that???

Like my important person says...life is so absurd...the more you try to understand it the more absurd it becomes, and I totally agree with that, it is full of casualities and lessons but you never get to a point... but now I do have a point live, with no fear, with no worries...'cause it is just life...and there's only one...

AND NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!

Ps: There's a pic of that stadium because the Phillies won on my important person's B-day!!!!!!!!! Yeiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!! And of course my beloved soccer team won so..what else can I ask???

I miss ...

COSTA RICA!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all I needed to say ...

As everybody knows along with the protest for the new imigration law a lot of opinions and points of view came.

Sadly I've heard a lot of bad things lately about this situation and I agree that is a bad thing that a lot of kids are just looking for a reason to not go to school and they'll go to the march not even knowing what they're fighting for; but truth is that if people don't do this all the crazy things in this country are going to keep happening.

I read in a bulletin posted in myspace.com were people is stating that they don't get treated as good in other countries as imigrants get treated when they get here, so let me refresh the scene: Illegal Imigrants come gere risking their lives in the border dealing with people that will actually kill them if they see them, and I understand, nobody told them to come here but then again think about all the jobs that will never get done if this people don't come here, washing dishes , agriculture jobs , contruction jons getting underpaid because they don't have a social security number. Who will clean you house if they weren't here? Who will cut your grass? and a lot of other things. They didn't come here to do bad things they came here to get a better life that they can't get in their countries for tons of different things, and this country has the power and the money to help people , why treat them like if they're criminals?

Now the fact that Americans think they don't get what they give when they go a different countries is a lie, maybe is a little different but I can stand up for Costa Rica in this case, they said something about medical services, ok, if someone gets sick hurt or whatever in Costa Rica they will actually get free medical service unless of course they want to go to a private hospital but prices are never gonna be as high as they're here, so yeah you're right we get medical services here and then a wonderfull $20000 bill for 2 days in the hospital and that happened to my family like a month ago and they're legal so what happens to the ilegal persons?

Now education, I really don't even want to get started here, when supposely they have such a good education system here and you still hear people saying " So you're from Costa Rica and that is a part of Mexico that belongs to USA?" or "Mexico is in Central America" or when you make a comment saying that we have different holidays they say " Oh so you guys get your own holidays and everything???? So if you're in any other country you can't graduate highschool if you don't know geography the bases of econmy of each country including europe, you can't graduate highschool if you don't have at least a little knowledge of english and anybody makes fun of American's accent when they speak spanish.

So Americans go to several different countries to stablish their own bussiness , mpst of the time sports books or call centers 'cause they can get awesome costumer service plus bilingual skills from every single one of the employees and on top of that they get to pay them not even half of what they'll need to pay here so if you're a costumer service rep here you should be getting around $10 per hour but in other places you get $ 3.50 for doing exactly the same thing just different locatiions but still assisting costumers all over the US so, when they go there they get awesome parties to celebrate their holidays and on top of that they don't have to through a loooooooong process to get their work permits or their drivers license or anything like that.

So basically my point is, I know this place is giving a lot of things but they're also getting a lot of things in exchange, don't make this people feel bad because they're trying to get fair treatment, the fact that they wave a different flag on the march doesn't mean they hate this country it means that they miss the place they're from and that they'll like to have a dual citizenship to make things better. Don't say that everybody treats you bad when you go to different places 'cause that is not true, people see what they want to see and if you think you have a better way to solve the problem then do something about it instead of feeling your head with wrong perspectives and making it sound like if you only do good things and get bad things back.

Is not about people going to different places, is about humans helping humans to make this world a better place to be....

I've spend a lot of time thinking that lately I'm just living to make my family happy, acting the way they want me to act because they think that's the right thing and not because I really think it is...but today I realized something... I realized that I'm still alive and with a smile in my face because I'm just waiting for the day when I can be with my friends again, with my real friends, the ones that made friendship reach a totally different level, the ones that actually gave a meaning to that word.

The ones who made me understand that being a real friend is realizing that friends are always going to hurt you at some point and you need to forgive them for that. The ones that through it all offered me protection, a lot of love and afection weather I'm right or wrong, the ones that keep holding me down even when sometimes I don't have anything but bad things to say, the ones that go out and still think about how much they miss me, the ones that plan a vacation to the beach and even though they know they're going to have an awesome time, they still want me there...

Is already a year since I started this blog and I read through it and it just makes me miss you more, and just hope for the moment where you can really say that you're proud of me because I am in the place I want to be with everything on it's place, where I listen to a "bachata" song and I don't need to miss my Ahly anymore and we'll look at each other and smile and she'll start dancing with her dominican lol, where I see Astrid and she will be finally so happy, with the person that she loves and her sister having fun with all of us, and her mommy feeling happy for both of them, and when I see my Peter again, and give him that huge hug that  I miss every single day of my life, and listening to a song that reminds us of one of our arguments "INTENTALO TU...A VER SI PUEDES SACARME DE TU VIDA" and then we dance to it and we'll just remember that our friendship is forever, no matter what... and when I finally get to go to the Coldplay concert with Sergio and we get to listen to our song live...

And I promise all of you that I'll be ok, specially 'cause I keep getting blue angels on my way, and  this blue angel is doing an awesome job keeping a smile on my face everyday, even though I still think he might need new contacts but that's ok 'cause he says he doesn't lol...but really when you read this I know you're going to realize I'm talking about you and I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoy the "deep talks" and I'm really glad you think I'm not crazy...and I hope you know this entry is english just so you can read it ... and I also wanted to let you know that even though I said I was not going to get friends in Arizona I'll make an exeption for you just because maybe one day you'll go to Costa Rica and visit me so I don't need to miss you so much...but then again that's what everybody says and never do so I hope you keep that in mind....you're an awesome person and I'm really glad I met you...see I knew Sears needed to be good for something lol....

When I was reading through my entries  a lot of feelings came to my mind and with some news I got today, I came to understand that everything has a cycle and even though my life keeps spinning in the same circle like I said before, a cycle finished today, the cycle where I though you were so perfect... the cycle where I kept blaming myself for everything that happened... and I want you  to know that I just hope you two are doing ok, and probably one day you'll realize what you did, I just hope is not to late when you finally open your mind I start thinking like adults.

But since it's a year since I started the blog and in my first entry I said thanks to all of you for everything you do for me, and even though a lot of things have changed I want to say thanks for keeping me in your life, for giving me a reason to keep going and for making me realize everything is about my friends.... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

Es posible algún día alcanzar nuestro mundo perfecto? El tiempo pasa y cada día me pregunto si eso algún día llegara, mi mundo donde regrese a casa del trabajo y pueda relajarme con un delicioso baño caliente, y luego disfrutar de una deliciosa cena con la persona que mas ame en el mundo y no tengamos que preocuparnos por el tiempo, ni las responsabilidades porque todo esta en orden. Sueno con el día donde encuentre la tranquilidad del presente sin necesidad de mirar el pasado. El día en que por fin encuentre a mi príncipe que es la combinación perfecta entre protección, determinación, responsabilidad y dulzura, quien haga las cosas por convicción y no por obligación, pero incluso la pregunta es, algún día llegaremos nosotros mismos a alcanzar esto?

Lo que si he logrado comprender esque nuestra vida da vueltas en el mismo circulo simplemente cambiando de tiempo y espacio, curiosamente ahora en el trabajo, tuve la primera impresión equivocada de una persona, ahora es quien pone una sonrisa en mi cara a diario con un parecido extraordinario a Jimmy, un parecido que hasta llega a aturdir, una voz que de ves en cuando me hace olvidarme de la realidad y me da escalofríos, sin embargo son escalofríos producidos por la dulzura que me produce y los recuerdos que trae a mi mente.

En otra noche mas tratando de sobrevivir a una de las peores depresiones de mi vida, escuchando música que mas que palabras esta llena de sensaciones, recuerdos, suspiros, pienso tanto en ti, en cuanto daría por abrazarte, por regresar el tiempo, por volver a vivir momentos de miedo con satisfacción, de visitas prohibidas y besos y caricias a escondidas, tiempo de volver a dar amor puro del que no espera mas que migajas a cambio; además pensé en ti, en lo entupidos que llagamos a ser en ciertos momentos desperdiciando momentos que no volverán con pleitos inútiles que no llegan a ningún punto, en que cambiamos amor por despecho, caricias por puñales …y ahora solo queda esperar  a que el destino de un giro a nuestro favor. Y también pensé en ti, cuando iba a la iglesia mas por un deseo de verte mas que por que era lo apropiado, y además pensé mucho en ti, en el miedo interno que aun causan tus palabras y tus recuerdos, en el deseo de hablarte que me quema por dentro aunque fuera solo para decir feliz cumpleaños, en el día de felicidad que tuvimos, en tu primera expresión cuando nos vimos, en el primer beso, en la huella tan grande que dejaste en mi vida, en el deseo que jamás nadie podrá superar a hacerte feliz, en el estado de locura en el que entre por ti en como te transformaste en mi religión, en mi mundo en mi todo, y pensé en cuanto aun resuenan en mi mente tus palabras, diciendo que jamás te dejare de amar…y todo llego a una simple frase; “no sabes cuanto te extraño”…

Y además pensé en ti, que llenas mi vida ahora de detalles y sentimientos, en cuanto quisiera poder estar cerca y quererte, en llenarte la vida que en algún punto quedo vacía…

Hay tantas cosas que deseo, quisiera traer de vuelta mi inocencia, mis sentimientos, retroceder el tiempo y cambiar miles de cosas, un poco de vida de nuevo para no sentirme tan muerta, pero todo lo que tengo es hoy…y como saber que no me equivoco nuevamente, y como hacerme entender que no puedo seguir siendo quien soy…que alguien me diga por favor como me lo explico………

On a friday night took me a long time to finally write this entry....with so many things to say that at the end I dunno if people wanna read, but I got to the conclusion that this blog was created to take out all my feelings when I'm not able to with important persons in my life....Today driving back from work, tears started falling down and I wasn't able to stop them, tears that made me understand how long I've been holding this pain inside and that made me realize I dunno how long I'll be able to keep up with that...realize that my life just keeps spinning in the same circle, with no big changes and that's totally my fault. Made me realize how scared I am to keep living for others happiness and still havenh't found what I need to be happy.Made me thought about you, the only person that I know will get an e-mail telling him there's a new entry and you'll check it just to see how I am and nobody will realize, but I do know you'll see it , and I wanted you to know that today I was thinking about you....

Tears that made me realize there's not a better gift in this world...in this life, than a kid hugging you and telling you how much he needs you, a smile on his face when he see you, the most honest smile you'll get in your life, 'cause they don't expect anything from you but love... tears that made realize that some mistakes will have consequences for the rest of your life, and there's nothing you can do about it....tears that remind me, that it doesn't matter how much I pretend to be strong I'm not....and for those who wanted to see me like this....u won, here I am with whatever is left of my heart, been here for the people I love, realizing that this won't work now the way it once did, that I won't keep it up even though  I would love too, that I know now who I am and still don't know who I am....and thousands of miles away, thinking about how much I miss everyone....just remember I  still love every single one of you, even the ones that hurted me...with every single beat of my wasted heart...and my moon will always be telling you that

It’s been a long week….full of emotions….so first of all Happy New Year!!!!!!!!

Sunday was my last day at work and it was kind of funny to realize how much you’re going to miss some people and how glad you’re you don’t have to see some others anymore lol , Saturday when I got home I got online to talk to my sister and unfortunately, Geovanny was online, it was a big argument as always , but it was even worse, I think for the first time I was actually able to tell him all what he deserved, I’m sorry if I hurted you but yeah that means NO MORE I LOVE YOU”S …just like in the song the language is leaving me in silence…. Other than that was a pretty good night, stayed at home with mommy and Sergio and Vito came along for a little while.

Monday I went to work to pick up my last check and say good bye to everyone, went to eat with Adri and Caro to Pane Vino and then went to Buffalo’s with Mariajo and Esteban, I really realized how close I got to her and how much I’ll miss her, I really wish I can stop time and don’t have to leave so soon. I was so happy Javi came along and Roy as well, and for sure something started there =) When I came back here, spoke a lot to Javi and I almost forgot that feeling it was pretty good …

Next day was awesome…Sergio and I went to the beach!!!!!!!!!!!! I was soooooo happy hadn’t have such a relaxing day in such a looooong I mean looooooooong time, we ate at a nice place in Quepos and then went to spend the afternoon in Manuel Antonio, it’s such a nice place a shame we needed to come back, But I can’t explain how much we talked how, cool it was to be away from everything at least for a little while…..it was also sad the thought that we didn’t know how much time will need to go by for us to spend another time like that one, and also we spoke about how last year got us sooo close as friends and how much we need each other now, but that we also know everything will be ok ….next day I went to cut and dye my hair you know new year , new look I actually think it looks pretty good, went to get my new glasses and to the doctor, it was a long day, Thursday came and I went to the dentist and to get my driver’s license, at night I went out with Roy, we went to a restaurant called LA CASA in San Pedro it was such a nice place, and then he took me to get Ice Cream from Haagen Dazs and it felt so good after I went to the dentist, then we went to my mom’s party it was funny he was so nervous ‘cause he was gonna meet my mom, so everything started here, after everything worked out awesome with mom and she loved him, ext day I woke up with a funny feeling that I haven’t had in almost a year, I actually had the need to talk to someone and I knew exactly who that person was, we had lunch that day at Terra Mall and yesterday we went to Barcelo Rio Perlas in Orosi, such and awesome place….now the question comes again…why does always someone soooo amazing have to appear in  my life every time I have to leave????? I just don’t get it….but I guess that’ll be another reason for me to come back soon …well that was pretty much about it ….I’ll keep everybody updated on everything…oh of course….I’m leaving this coming Friday due to the fact there was no space on the planes…hopefully it will be a long week. =S

This is gonna be a long entry, an entry to remind and thank all my friends for such a wonderful year. A lot of things came along with it and I sure can say this was the year that made me learn the most in my whole life., so here I go with the summary of all the year...just wanna say I love you all sooooo much I can't even put it down in words!!!!!!!!!!!!

January : One year ago I started the year with my friend Matt, I have to say one more time thanks for letting me in your life, and algo for letting me love Ian like if he was my son I miss you sooooo much !!!!!!1Such a tough month..... the one that made me build more self confidence and to taugh me how to be a stronger person. Thanks Jimmy for all the good moments on 2004 even though you made me live the worst moments on 2005....I just hope everything works ok for you and maybe one you'll finally learn how to love someone. So many responsabilities came along with this month, my mom leaving and a new job, that brought in to my live awesome people, like Astrid, Misty and Nick....and how could I not mention the visit of the best friend ever...thank you soooo much mi precioso for been such an awesome person.

february: Matt left to Texas..... I was soooo sad, but I can definetely say that he only left wonderful moments in my life, a nice Valentine's day gift, so many parties lol..... Ericka's Party for the Super Bowl, been in a totally different world, and just started to help out Leo to get out of there. Hope the best for all of them as well =)

March: Geovanny appeared in my life in this month, he gave me a reason to wake up everyday and think about coming back, and I started to realize how important my friends are in my ife, how much I loved Peter and Ahly, how much Leo needed me (at least that's what he said), realized what an awesome supervisor I had, Chip thanks so much for all your support during all this months, thanks for making my life at work soooo great.

April: One cool thing about this month was that I was able to talk to my school friends again after 8 year OMG!!!! Shin gave me the idea to start the blog, Jimmy came back in my life along with a lot of emotions and confusions.... good time in the farewell party for Fernando my argentinan friend...I really hope he's ok =P...and started realizing who the real Geovanny is.

May: The best part of the month .....without a doubt...my little angel Oscar came into my life, feeling it with happiness, and only good moments. I will never be able to thank him for all what he did , thanking God for bringing him into my life at least for a few months, some problems with Kathy, and Leo but everything was ok at the end. One of the best months in the whole year.Even though it was hard 'cause my Ahly and my Peter left, Peter to Puerto Rico and AHly to Germany.....couldn't believe you can miss so much someone.

June: Tomas went to visit me and along with him the final decision of coming back,  very tough month with so may arguments with Geovanny, dealed with a problem with Oscar, and the last month to get everything ready .... I was sooo scared of coming back and maybe realizing I was not  in my friends life anymore, and so much pain inside of leaving the persons I love the most.\

July:... SO it was time to come back.... JUly 3rd I was here with a piece of my heart left in the states and my mommy at my sister's house in Arizona, so much happiness 'cause I was able to see my beloved friends, Javi, Susan, Hazel, Sergio and yes Geovanny, even though he is what he is, I have very nice moments to remember. I sure need to thank him and his family for making me feel like another member, I need to thank doña Daisy for been another mommy for me =)...and at the end of the month,I started working at my beloved place BODOG.....who woul've known it would bring sooo many things into my lofe.

August: Faced my past and realized I;m a stronger person in the moment i saw Cubillo, Started to  miss my friends in the states everyday a little more and, a call from Oscar made me realize I needed to open my eyes and just get the hell out of a bad situation...Very important thing as well % year anniversary of my friendship with Sergio yeiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September: Mommy's b-day, saw all my friends finally, broke up with Geovanny, went out with Kari and friends, finally met Kaos lol even though it was a crazy night and finally started living like I was supposed to .... I met my awesome super good friend ( and for the first time in my life I mean s=that I'm talking sarcastically lol) Mariajo....thank you brujita for been such a HUGE I mean HUGE support for me....out of all the year I can definetely say that your friendship is in the Top 5 of good things...I love you sooo much, so many things to remember with JE and the JA, sudnay nights at Buffalo's and Monday nights at Mac's I sure will miss that the most when Ieave....ah of course how could I forget the guataqueros jajajaja!!!!

October: Not to much to say....went out a lot, enjoyed a lot with my friends, but really nothing in particular happened this month =S

November:Nice month, nice friendship with a special someone at work, that became a huge mess on next month but keep very nice moments on my mind, a good friendship started as well with Caro and Adri, loquitas I'm gonna miss you so so so so much !!!!!!!!!!!!

December: Wow what a month, another big decision to take, so 'cause of the circunstances I gotta go back to USA, I really hope everything will work out fine and that 2006 is a better year than 2005.

At the end, I learned this year what real friendship means, I learned that a best friend is who travels thousands of miles just to see you one day,is the person that makes you feel proud and lucky to have his friendship,  is who stays up all night just to hear you talking, is who enjoys taking pictures of you and even though they're not that good he put them on his space, is who give a hug in the moment the you needed the most , is who makes everything possible to have dinner with you in such a nice place knowing how much that means to you, is who always put a smile on your face, is the one that remembers every single detail on your friendship, is who says yes to a crazy marriage proposal lol, is who goes to pick you up at work when you don't have a ride, doesn't matter how late it was or if he has to work....so this year brough me to a conclusion that the best friend in the whole wide world is mine and his name is Sergio.

Everybody have a Happy Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!I love you soooooo much!!!!